Breakin’ in the New Year with a Survey

Who was your last text from?
Bryface

Where was your default picture taken?
California, 3 AM, New Year’s Day

Whats your middle name?
Secret

Whats on your mind?
School tomorrow… fuck [yes]

Does your crush/GIRLfriend/BOYfriend like you back?
Maybe.

What is your current mood?
Pensive, anxious, happy, sad…

What color shirt are you wearing?
Black, because I’m all dark and twisty inside.

Are you close with your dad?
Yes, very.

If you could go back in TIME and change something, would you?
I’d be tempted, but no. No pain is never not worth it.

Have a crazy side?
HAHAHAHHA yeah. Who doesn’t? Oh and I’m sick of strangers thinking I’m a untouchable nonperson Asian robogirl. I am empty inside, but I am not hollow.

Ever had a near death experience?
Several occasions while riding in my friends’ cars. I’m the one mooching rides though, I got no complaints

Something you do a lot?
Waste time and feel like shit afterwards!
Feel like being somewhere else.
Cuss often and with great fervor.
Act like an idiot <3
Insult you, because that’s just how I do.
Avoid people when I’m sad-mode.

Angry at anyone?
You, yeah. You’re such a sniveling little bitch. Fuck off. (please)

Favorite Month?
June

Name someone with the same birthday as you?
My twin cousins Michelle and Katherine, born exactly a year before me

When was the last time you cried?
A month ago, fighting with my mom

If you could have one super power what would it be?
Metamorphosis (transform into anything..animate or inanimate.)

Whats the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Body structure. Not to sound like a pervert or anything :X

What do you usually order from Starbucks?
An extra cup, because I’m a cheap bastard.

Favorite TV show(s)?
BREAKING-MOTHERFUCKING-BAD.

Do you still watch kiddy movies?
No ): One summer where I rewatched all of my Disney VHSs though, it was awesomely brainwashy.

What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Nothing ):

Do you speak any other language?
Basic Vietnamese, Japanese, French

Whats your favorite smell?
Calvin Klein One Summer.

Describe your life in one word.
Perfect

Have you ever kissed in the rain?
No

Ever kissed on the beach?
No

What are you thinking about right now?
Kissing on beaches

What should you be doing?
Getting ready for school tomorrow, working on my art concentration portfolio FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Who was the last person that made you upset/angry?
Probably my mom

What are you listening to?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DErKgJYShi0

This song kills me, every time.

Do you like working in the yard?
I like running around the yard ..

Do you ever want to get married? kids?
Recently, yeah. I used to say I never wanted kids, but I think my biological instinct is kicking in

Do you act differently around the person you like?
Doesn’t everyone?

What is your natural hair color?
Black

Who was the last person to make you smile?
Taylor Swift XD

What is your favorite meal at your favorite fast food restaurant?
Kid’s Meal!

Whats the wierdest thing under your bed?
Photos. Also, it’s “weird”…

Break!!!!!

Hells yes.

So far:

Friday
-School went pretty well, this was supposed to be my hardest day of finals but it was such a breeze. Easiest semester of my life. However, this will just make next semester harder — (I’m going to get my ass kicked for the next 5 months).
-Worked from 5 – 9, then went home and helped Billy with his final project for Geography class. We were both tired as shit, but I have to admit that bs-ing a last minute project is always really fun. Is that just me?
-Some asshole when we were really swamped with orders took a free drink:
Me: “Your order’s ready!”
Cheap lying fatass: “Uh, I had a drink.”
Me: “Really? *goes through orders* *notes that the price is correct and sans drink order, but is too swamped with orders to really check*”
Then I get grab a regular drink for this fuck while I have 100000 other things to be doing.
Cheap lying fatass: “No, it was a large. “
THEN I GIVE THAT FATASS A LARGE. I don’t know what I was thinking.
Seriously, if you want a free drink, JUST ASK FOR ONE. I’LL GIVE IT TO YOU IF YOU LOOK DESPERATE (BECAUSE CHANCES ARE, YOU DO). Or if you’re too embarrassed to be honest, just ask for a “water”. Goddammit. I don’t know why that throws me into a rage every single time. It’s probably because these kinds of people come in all the time, thinking that they’re so clever and that I’m just a gullible chink. Fuck that. I am done being nice with customers.

Saturday
-Went to Wendy’s with the bros (Billy and David) and smashed on chili and fries <3. I love Wendy’s, they are so underrated.
-Then we went Christmas shopping which was 80% failure and 20% dicking around. XD
-David forced us to see Avatar, which I expected to be AWFUL (the trailers made it look like CG furry bullshit), but I have to admit that I loved it. I don’t care if it was cheesy or full of Nausicaa-esque Earth-energy clichés, the feel of the movie was perfect. The most important factor in deciding whether or not I enjoy a movie is pacing/flow, and Avatar’s pacing was just right. And yeah, all of that revolutionary effect nonsense WAS really wonderful. After I left the theater I was sad to live on Earth LOL.

Sunday
-Packing for LA/Vegas!… sort of
-Saw Jenna and friends at Steak n Shake lol

Monday
-Had brunch at Paradise with cousins
-Cut my hurrr real short

Tuesday
-Spent the whole day packing carefully, eating, lazing around

This shit

This winter break, Lia and I will make macarons. We will fail, but I am sure even a bad macaron would taste like the remnants of something great. And that is good enough.

My most recent art project is a marker drawing of macarons. I think I am going a little crazy. From getting a taste of the glory that is Ladurée in Paris and now having to have gone 5 months without them… just images of those delicate pastel hamburgers make me want to cry softly in reverence.. T_T

I am such a lazy fuckin bastard.

School is not making me any more intelligent this year. I can feel myself getting dumber by the week as I continue to avoid any hard thinking or work. I shut myself up in my room and hibernate, waiting for it all to be over. I want to be done without doing anything, so here I am just wasting away as I wait for time to go by. I’d rather be traveling, experiencing, and truly learning. My time would be much better utilized if I was in the Peace Corps or studying abroad. But I need to graduate and not let this all go to waste. So here I rot. The only positive thing I can think of my situation is that it will make everything I do after this godforsaken year feel more wonderful. I guess I’m saying that all this depression and sloth will make a wonderful backdrop for the rest of my life once I can move the fuck on.

I’m so goddamn useless right now. I constantly have a headache. Goddammit.

I don’t know what to think

I’m ashamed?

I’m a bit worried.

Woops, I guess. We’re all young once.

-

I still need to fucking focus. I feel like it’s winter. I’m having sleep issues. I dwell on things too much.

A lot

Somehow, I’m simultaneously very busy and very unoccupied. A lot is going on, but everything is capable of being put off. So I often find myself just watching movies, perusing magazines— and I don’t even really enjoy any of it. I’m trying too hard to escape; genuine enjoyment is impossible with all of this unattended-to clutter lingering in the back of my mind.

It’s that feeling you get when you wobble out of a theater into the sunlight after a long engrossing film. I shifted scenes too fast- I need time to adjust. I’ve been feeling dazed and out of it for weeks. I find myself just sitting around and thinking about France, Japan, and the future. Basically about how I’d rather be somewhere else.

I’ve had a lot of trouble sleeping. I’m really tired during school yet I’m still too restless with worry to sleep at night. It’s getting better, though, since I now realize that I’m having adjustment problems… I think I’m going to watch LOL (laughing out loud) to lull me to sleep for a while…

Between daydreaming and movie-watching and procrastinating, the to-do list has added up and become intimidating. I’m going to stop being a useless whiny dumbass ASAP, because my goal is to have at least four A+’s this semester. So yes. Bullshit pathetic Liz is on her way out, don’t worry.

Before the month ends (darker = more urgent):

-College apps
-SAT II Subject Tests (sign up)
-Counselor Recommendation
-Senior photos (sign up)
-Japanese club
-Government hours paper
-AP Studio breadth works
-NHS service projects ||| , tutoring ||||
-Get those registration volunteering hours verified
-Chapter 1 ap gov. test– read?
-Expressive portrait- mockup, photos
-Print France pictures
-Send Tamura-ke mail

How to optimize my school-time:

Comp Apps: Calculus homework, AP gov. paper
Classical Lit: Study French vocab
Study hall: AP studio work, read for AP gov.
Lunch: Guidance counselor stuff

Buy:

-Haircut
-Socks
-Things I just feel will make me happy: earmuffs, full set of Rembrandt chalk pastels, colorful necklace, new shoes

Besides the beginning-of-the-year senior work I have to do, I actually have a very easy semester class-wise —-You cannot fucking believe next semester. I’ll have AP Studio, AP Econ, AP Psych, ACP Comp, AP French, Study Hall, and Calculus. So yeah, my last few months of high school are going to be CRAZY. Super crazy. Hopefully I’ll just be thinking “IT’S THE FINAL STRETCH!!” and not “I’m fucking done, fuck this shit…”

Listing it all out makes me feel better. Tomorrow is when I start getting all of this done. This is me making a conscious effort to switch from dream-mode to reality-mode. Watch out, world.

Let’s do this shit.

3 works of art in 3 days? Technically impossible, but that’s never stopped me before.

Fuck

It’s finally just hitting me. Every day I ease more and more into my “normal life” and I…I just fucking hate it so much. I feel nothing but dread as school approaches. It’s not school that is so terrible, it’s the fact that my summer is over that just kills me. Really, I have a great and enviable life here… but in comparison to how much better it has been, how much happier I have felt… it blows.

I miss France so much that I physically ache just thinking about it.

Btw, if you’re not hearing from me — I’m SCREWED summer homework wise. 4 days to do 3 works of art for AP Studio? —SCREWED.

I’m back

-Sitting in my room in peace for what seems like the first time in forever.
-Everything is a giant mess. My room is cluttered with relics of my summer
-(empty suitcases, dirty clothes, post cards, and ticket stubs)
-I keep thinking about how far away the past seems
-I keep thinking about how fast time moves and how I’m powerless to control it
-Memories fade, people drift apart, and, all too simply, the world moves on
-I feel so small and alone
-I’m lonely

Stressin’

I feel so cluttered right now. I feel like a mess. I have a really strong urge to organize my life and clean out the unnecessary.  Too many things, thoughts, unorganized feelings, suppressed feelings, and unattended-to errands. I want to feel like I can fucking breathe comfortably. I want to clean,  then I want to do some pilates in my clean room.

Being in Toronto has been mildly stressful for me (for many reasons, none of which I will list, sorry haha). I just realized last night that I was really stressed out — before that I was convinced that I had been enjoying myself for the past 4 days (sometimes it takes a really long time for reality to catch up with my preconceived notions). But it’s all good – now that I recognize that certain things are really getting to me, I can work on improving the situation. I’m going to focus on spending time with my family until I can go home (I’m really itching to go home and clean my room and de-stress and feel feelings) and just fuck the rest.

I miss France. I dream about being there. I don’t remember what I do in those dreams, but I know that I have them.