I am such a lazy fuckin bastard.

School is not making me any more intelligent this year. I can feel myself getting dumber by the week as I continue to avoid any hard thinking or work. I shut myself up in my room and hibernate, waiting for it all to be over. I want to be done without doing anything, so here I am just wasting away as I wait for time to go by. I’d rather be traveling, experiencing, and truly learning. My time would be much better utilized if I was in the Peace Corps or studying abroad. But I need to graduate and not let this all go to waste. So here I rot. The only positive thing I can think of my situation is that it will make everything I do after this godforsaken year feel more wonderful. I guess I’m saying that all this depression and sloth will make a wonderful backdrop for the rest of my life once I can move the fuck on.

I’m so goddamn useless right now. I constantly have a headache. Goddammit.

I don’t know what to think

I’m ashamed?

I’m a bit worried.

Woops, I guess. We’re all young once.

-

I still need to fucking focus. I feel like it’s winter. I’m having sleep issues. I dwell on things too much.

A lot

Somehow, I’m simultaneously very busy and very unoccupied. A lot is going on, but everything is capable of being put off. So I often find myself just watching movies, perusing magazines— and I don’t even really enjoy any of it. I’m trying too hard to escape; genuine enjoyment is impossible with all of this unattended-to clutter lingering in the back of my mind.

It’s that feeling you get when you wobble out of a theater into the sunlight after a long engrossing film. I shifted scenes too fast- I need time to adjust. I’ve been feeling dazed and out of it for weeks. I find myself just sitting around and thinking about France, Japan, and the future. Basically about how I’d rather be somewhere else.

I’ve had a lot of trouble sleeping. I’m really tired during school yet I’m still too restless with worry to sleep at night. It’s getting better, though, since I now realize that I’m having adjustment problems… I think I’m going to watch LOL (laughing out loud) to lull me to sleep for a while…

Between daydreaming and movie-watching and procrastinating, the to-do list has added up and become intimidating. I’m going to stop being a useless whiny dumbass ASAP, because my goal is to have at least four A+’s this semester. So yes. Bullshit pathetic Liz is on her way out, don’t worry.

Before the month ends (darker = more urgent):

-College apps
-SAT II Subject Tests (sign up)
-Counselor Recommendation
-Senior photos (sign up)
-Japanese club
-Government hours paper
-AP Studio breadth works
-NHS service projects ||| , tutoring ||||
-Get those registration volunteering hours verified
-Chapter 1 ap gov. test– read?
-Expressive portrait- mockup, photos
-Print France pictures
-Send Tamura-ke mail

How to optimize my school-time:

Comp Apps: Calculus homework, AP gov. paper
Classical Lit: Study French vocab
Study hall: AP studio work, read for AP gov.
Lunch: Guidance counselor stuff

Buy:

-Haircut
-Socks
-Things I just feel will make me happy: earmuffs, full set of Rembrandt chalk pastels, colorful necklace, new shoes

Besides the beginning-of-the-year senior work I have to do, I actually have a very easy semester class-wise —-You cannot fucking believe next semester. I’ll have AP Studio, AP Econ, AP Psych, ACP Comp, AP French, Study Hall, and Calculus. So yeah, my last few months of high school are going to be CRAZY. Super crazy. Hopefully I’ll just be thinking “IT’S THE FINAL STRETCH!!” and not “I’m fucking done, fuck this shit…”

Listing it all out makes me feel better. Tomorrow is when I start getting all of this done. This is me making a conscious effort to switch from dream-mode to reality-mode. Watch out, world.

Let’s do this shit.

3 works of art in 3 days? Technically impossible, but that’s never stopped me before.

Fuck

It’s finally just hitting me. Every day I ease more and more into my “normal life” and I…I just fucking hate it so much. I feel nothing but dread as school approaches. It’s not school that is so terrible, it’s the fact that my summer is over that just kills me. Really, I have a great and enviable life here… but in comparison to how much better it has been, how much happier I have felt… it blows.

I miss France so much that I physically ache just thinking about it.

Btw, if you’re not hearing from me — I’m SCREWED summer homework wise. 4 days to do 3 works of art for AP Studio? —SCREWED.

I’m back

-Sitting in my room in peace for what seems like the first time in forever.
-Everything is a giant mess. My room is cluttered with relics of my summer
-(empty suitcases, dirty clothes, post cards, and ticket stubs)
-I keep thinking about how far away the past seems
-I keep thinking about how fast time moves and how I’m powerless to control it
-Memories fade, people drift apart, and, all too simply, the world moves on
-I feel so small and alone
-I’m lonely

Stressin’

I feel so cluttered right now. I feel like a mess. I have a really strong urge to organize my life and clean out the unnecessary.  Too many things, thoughts, unorganized feelings, suppressed feelings, and unattended-to errands. I want to feel like I can fucking breathe comfortably. I want to clean,  then I want to do some pilates in my clean room.

Being in Toronto has been mildly stressful for me (for many reasons, none of which I will list, sorry haha). I just realized last night that I was really stressed out — before that I was convinced that I had been enjoying myself for the past 4 days (sometimes it takes a really long time for reality to catch up with my preconceived notions). But it’s all good – now that I recognize that certain things are really getting to me, I can work on improving the situation. I’m going to focus on spending time with my family until I can go home (I’m really itching to go home and clean my room and de-stress and feel feelings) and just fuck the rest.

I miss France. I dream about being there. I don’t remember what I do in those dreams, but I know that I have them.

As my time…

in St. Brieuc finalises, I officially give myself permission to start cussing (in engrish) again.

SHIT’S FUCKING SAD AS FUCK.

It’s 4:20 in the morning. I thought I was going to sleep at 1:45, but I brushed my teeth. (If you know me at all, brushing my teeth renders me completely awake.) I got into a packing frenzy, and here I am charging my iPod. The bus for Paris is 7:00, when I’ll say bye Corinne and Antonin (this sentence is fucked up, my english is comatose).

Paris will always be paris– the monuments, museums, and historical sights are inanimate unchanging forces. My life in St. Brieuc is just a fleeting instant that I’ll never get back. I haven’t even left yet and I feel like these past 6 weeks happened years ago. Yeah, when I reflect on it, the memories are dream-like and distant. I feel like I’ll never be capable of understanding and absorbing how fortunate everything has been. Needless to say, there were moments where I was depressed or pissed off. But there were moments where I was so happy I thought I felt my heart break, instances when I thought the world was too perfect to be understood (-for just a second). Mostly, there were moments where I was numb, incapable of processing a serenity so rare and intimidating to me.

My point? I hate how I can’t ever comprehend the full significance of an event until much, much later. The fact that I feel simply bizarre (with a touch of sadness and way too much disbelief) at this moment is another example of how my brain often overcircuits with the slightest flow of emotions. I thought I was sad, but no. I’m numb again.

Somewhat related thoughts:

-As for French speaking ability improvement, don’t expect too much. I speak better, but not enormously so. BUT my listening comprehension skillz are SO pro now, haha.

-Two families? Awesome.
Two goodbyes? FUCKING LAME AS FUCK.

-This post isn’t to say I’m not going to enjoy Paris. LADUREE, BITCHES.

-French boy speaking English with a British accent is SOO DAMN CUTE!!

-A bientot mes amis

hop-là

A few photos for my parents ^^.

Corinne is mowing the lawn right now so I’m just chillin until she’s done and then we’re going for a walk somewhere .

Short updates: I love Rennes so much that it’s affected my plans for college. Tomorrow I’m heading to St. Malo again. Yesterday Corinne’s niece spoke to me in English (she’s a Parisienne lawyer working for Warner bros who coughs a lot because she’s trying to quit smoking. cool description i know) and I had trouble responding. I found myself stuck between two languages. I said “you…speak well..” with an accent. Then I switched and responded in French. Badly. It was the first time I wanted to form and speak aloud a full sentence in English and I failed and then my french broke down too. My brain was like WHATS GOING ON (Writing/reading English is less strange for some reason.) Lots of other things going on, sorry if I started I wouldn’t be able to stop! I LOVE FOOD. MY BED IS MORE COMFORTABLE HERE THAN IN MY REAL ROOM. I WILL MISS THE OCEAN. CORINNE IS AWESOME. YAY FRENCH! THE SUMMARY SUCKS, i know–WE WILL TALK FOR HOURS WHEN I RETURN.

This might be my last post before returning to the US. Next week is my last week, so I’m going to try to profit as much as I can. Paris next Saturday.

1 of 3 aisles of alcohol, lmao

taboulé, je t’aime…

Michael dressed up for our “French fashion show”. He’s ridiculous.

Pics that Lia took of me in a really beautiful valley near the Igloo.

The very flamboyant Josh and I during our excursion to Dinan. He is pretty ridiculous too. We’re gonna go to gay black parties together after the stage

SEE YOU ALL IN A WEEK

LEAVE INBOX LOVE

New home!

FIRST AND FOREMOST I should tell you that I ate escargot and foie gras (delicacy!). Guess which one I liked (a lot) better? Yup– escargot. It’s really good. And you might be surprised to hear there was zero hesitation before eating it – the shell was still on the plate, too (so the fact that it was snail was not lessened at all). I think i knew i would like it because french food is generally good, so it wouldnt be a part of the cuisine if it wasnt delicious. So don’t let the idea or connotation of eating snails impede you from trying it some day!!! I also ate rabbit and some part of duck (i think it was kidney or gall bladder… i dont know) but that’s not so special.
P.S. don’t get all animal rights or “thats disgusting” on my ass, I don’t discrimihate when I eat. It makes no sense to decide chickens are for eating and rabbits are not, that’s just superficiality.
Since I’m talking about food I should mention that the best ice cream I’ve ever had in my life AND the best cake I’ve ever had in my life were both eaten here in France. SO GOOD. Ahem.

Comme j’ai dit avant, ma famille va partir en vacances demain. I almost cried when I said goodbye, but I retained… oh mon dieu mon anglais est mort. retained posture? lol oh wow I don’t know english. Oh well haha. Anyways, I’m in my new room maintenant (which is SUPER COOL, pics included below).  It’s been an amazing past 3 weeks, and the next 3 weeks will be equally or even more amazing. I was a little sad to leave my first family tonight and  a week ago I was frustrated with one of my professors, but thats all of little importance. My positive attitude remains. The only thing that I’m ever truly sad about is the fact that the stage is already half-way over. Also when I see other stagiaires not having a good time. Bof, autrement, tout va bien, t’inquiète. I’m very very happy!

Tomorrow, the stagiaires (includes me lol) are going to NORMANDIE! It’s an overnight trip, we’ll be staying in so a youth hostel. Im pumped. Also, we get to hang out at the beach!! Ive been to the beach several times, but never in a swimsuit or into the water (water is too cold, i was with ma famille, etc);  so YAY

RANDOM: I’ve tanned A LOT here. It was a complete lie that it would rain like every day and be cloudy and cold. It’s hot and sunny and I’m all philippino now LOL

You noticed that this post is long? GUESS WHAT– the laptop is in my room in this house!! But besides this post, i will never write this much again sorry; i just had a lot to say for some reason and it all spilled out.

my first family <3 and my new family (the blond woman next to me)

OH AND IF YOU READ THIS PLEASE COMMENT I want to hear from you. This is in english, so there is no excuse.
and max how did you find the email? i laughed a lot when i watched them type it