May

I don’t know how things will turn out for me anymore.

It feels like May is the determining factor for the rest of my life, which is just stupid. But in a sense…it is. AP exam in 3 weeks. If I can’t raise my grade in Math, I’m off High Honor Roll (I worked really hard just for the shitty grade I have right now…) Chemistry is always just a game of luck for me. Then finals. I have to attempt to study Japanese during this. I have to shop for my trip. I have no money. I’ve been running/walking every single day–I don’t want to stop, it makes me happy and I enjoy not being overweight. But I just don’t have time. If I am to make a dumb metaphor, it’s like I’m running down one of those halls in which the walls are closing in. And there’s a ton of shit I keep dropping and need to pick up. I’m tired. I don’t even want to get out any more. If I pull through, I find myself somewhere I’ve never been.

I know, I need to snap out of this and stop being so cowardly. It’s pathetic. Get it the fuck together.

My room is fucking infested with ants. If you know anything about me, I just don’t kill bugs. But I seriously had no other way out of this one; they’re fucking EVERYWHERE. And there’s nothing more horrifying than bending over to pick something up and discovering a colony of ants on the floor beneath you. So… I shamefully have to say I tried to vacuum them all away. T_T I’m sorry.

But… an hour later, it was like I never killed them. They were as lively and numerous as before. What the hell?

And you know what seems to be the source…? This is disturbing and depressing: my backpack. It has been sitting in the kitchen over the weekend and I just brought it upstairs… why I am such a dumbass?!! GUESS WHAT COLOR MY BACKPACK IS, TOO: BLACK! God the thing is probably covered at the bottom and I can’t even tell. I’m dumb, and this is all just sick.

I have to vacuum, brb lolz.