4 days I will never forget.

I don’t know where to start. I want to start from the end because that’s what’s freshest in my mind, but that wouldn’t give a good idea of how all these things came together to create levels of happiness that I don’t have the mental capacity to truly appreciate. Even after reading all this, you could be disappointed: because it’s not anything totally spectacular at all… but you need to understand who I am and how dull my life is due to my own self-torture and how frighteningly weak I am. So these apparently insignificant events have more meaning to me than I can absorb right now, and I would like to remember them too so here we go. /very dramatic sorry haha

Thursday 7/3

More festival preparation, which is fun because I love everyone in my class so even working is enjoyable. We got class t-shirts, too. Mine was a gift so I didn’t have to pay ;_; so nice.

That morning crush-boy asked me if I had a boyfriend, and even though it was just an out-of-curiosity question, I was happy he gave a damn at all.

That evening (~4-7) there was a pre-festival pep-rally thing (there’s a Japanese word for it; I forgot it XD) that was hella awesome haha. Basically all the upperclassmen sell food for their part in the festival, so they all had a turn to dance on stage and advertise their restaurant. Hanadan references, otaku references, girls in gakuran, boys in seifuku, basically crossdressing galore!, basketball team boys wearing white shirts+ties (<3) dancing to Beat It, and an all-teacher band that was really good.

After that we went back to the classroom to get our stuff and go home, and the view from the window was even more gorgeous because it was night. School at night was actually really pretty ;_;.

I walked to the station that night with Momoka, Ai-gon, and Yuka. It was so fun, Ai-gon and Yuka are actually otaku haha! I didn’t know; they randomly starting singing Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu theme song and I was like OSHIT! So I really enjoyed their company. They think I’m clever because I make jokes even though they are totally crappy and random, yay.

I walk through zenko-ji twice every day because of school, so I’m pretty bored of it, but seeing it at night made it special all over again :3…

It was about 8:30 when I made it to Nagano station, and the bus was like 9:00 so I poked around cosmetics and convenience stores (anything that was still open XD) and wandered. Again, everything is so pretty at night, the weather was nice, and I was feeling really good.

I got home at 9:57 and Yamapi’s new drama (Code Blue, in which he plays a really skilled, calm and collected good-looking helicopter-doctor. LOL) was debuting at 10:00. Having a great day then coming home to a shirtless Dr. Yamapi and a delicious dinner was fucking kickass. The drama itself totally sucks (seriously, a Japanese person probably went to America and watched Grey’s Anatomy and tried to bring it to Japan. Except it’s totally obvious — I swear, the characters and music are so similar — and they did a real shitty job of it). But I was just happy to watch Yamapi’s new show live in Japan, to the envy of American Yamapi fans everywhere XD.

Then I went to bed and totally passed out.

Friday 7/4

More pre-festival entertainment. This 50-year-old woman that looked 35-years-old gave a long speech about how ecological fashion is good or some shit (our festival theme is ‘Eco’) and I fell asleep >_>. But then like the Taiko (drum) club or something had a preformance and it was SO COOOOOL. These girls did this traditional dance and it’s so hard to describe but I think if you look up the song ‘Souran Bushi’ you can get an idea.

Then it was sports festival (undoukai?) time. My class lost everything LOL. (1-6 is smart, not atheletic. XD), I got scratched up from tug-of-war, I got so much sand in my eyes and lungs because the field has no grass, and it was a burning hot afternoon with little cloud cover. But because every class has a unanimous sense of togetherness, it was great. I loved it (I am getting really repetitive, but I really do just love everything that happened).

During undoukai me and Candice rode the FORBIDDEN ELEVATOR, LMAO. We’re so lame, we were freaking out in the elevator and started panicking because you’re just not supposed to use it unless you have a really legit reason to. We were on the first floor and I had to get Minami’s (my host sister’s) cell phone from my class on the 5th floor…and we just felt like it. It’s pathetic to say but… it was an adventure XD.

I just found out this girl I’ve been eating lunch with is a total otaku (SHOCK!) haha and she’s sooo cute. I also found out Misuzu, Ami, and Abu are ジョニーオタ (Johnny’s Entertainment nerds) so I had people to discuss sexy shirtless Dr. Yamapi with. I love my classmates even more lol.

After Undoukai, it was still really hot, so crush-boy was intensely fanning himself with his shirt. FUCK YEAH. DOWN WITH AIR-CONDITIONING, LOL. Seriously, in that moment I had absolutely nothing against burning hot Japanese summers and the fact that my school has no air conditioning. I see what they did there ;D.

When I got home I got a nice call from my other home. It was pretty surreal because I had just gotten back from school and was about to take a shower after dinner here, but my family was packing for vacation in the morning over there . Everyone’s going to Canada without me this year, but I’m fine with that and I hope they’re having fun .

The next day was going to be the real festival, and everyone in sadouhan (tea ceremony club) was going to wear yukata and I was invited to. I got to try on the yukata my host family owns and choose one. It’s lame, but I felt really excited to wear one during the day and walk around in it.

Then I went to bed and passed out.

EVIDENCE!!! XD

Crush-boy is in this picture. (so don’t kill me Lia! xD) It’s profile-only, and it’s kind of hard to tell just how attractive he is. It only sort of shows off his forearms, which are really nice. You know how some guy’s arms have veins that really stick out if they work out a lot? Yeah. He has veiny buff forearms while the rest of him is normal. It’s a really nice combination lmao. Did I mention that he’s nice to everyone, confident, is great at English, and is really smart? DEFINITION OF MORE THAN A PRETTY FACE!!

Saturday 7/5

My homeroom teacher helped me put on my yukata for the second time, and it was embarassing because this time I was wearing nothing but my underwear and a thin tanktop while she adjusted it >>;;;; (last time I kept my skirt on because I was only wearing the yukata for like a minute). Oh well, she’s so damn nice I know she wasn’t judging my chubby legs. Even if she was, she can, cuz I <3s her.

Every girl in my class I would run into that day would tell me how cute I looked in it, it was so nice XD. I also ran into my class’s second cutest boy and he said ‘あ、似合う’ (that really suits you). I would be happier, but if there’s anything I’ve learned about Japanese culture here, it’s that they’re a country of flatterers. I get complimented so many times all day about anything I do. Everyone does it for eachother. Anything you’re doing, if you’re not fucking it up 100%, you will definitely receive an ‘umai!’ (that’s really good!) or something similar. I actually get uncomfortable because there’s nothing particularly good about what I’m doing usually but I get showered with compliments anyway.

The festival is really impressive. Everyone seriously built everything out of trash. Everything is made of card-board and old cloth and cheap, used, materials, and it’s awesome how they managed to spend like no money.

Anyways, I was hanging out with Candice and eating ice cream, then James and Christine (other YFU students near-by) came to visit. We went to the horror house, which was ACTUALLY TOTALLY FREAKY. I mean, seriously, it’s a horror house made of trash in a classroom made in less than a week. I didn’t expect shit. So I went with Candice and we ended up screaming, clinging to eachother, and running XD.

I can’t really remember much else in particular, but that night, after talent performances (with some reallllly provocative dancing… I was suprised the school allowed it lol) I went karaoke with Candice and her classmates at about 8 or 9. Afterwards we took purikura, and we were a group of 7 people so that was interesting LOL. Then I stole Candice from her friends for a bit so we could have our own puri XD. Got home extremely late again.

Getting home was awesome because that day’s dinner was SOBA! FUCK, I LOVE SOBA SO MUCH!!! I was tired as shit but I sat there and I ate that soba like no tomorrow haha.

^ I love this picture.

lmfao, there was a group of these kind of guys… the most interesting looking one actually didn’t get in the picture …

This was the funnest purikura I’ve taken, because I’m the most comfortable with Candice. I wish I could take some more with her, but that’s impossible… more on that later…

Sunday 7/6

It’s very hard to describe this day in a way that does it justice…

I’ll start with suzukoukan. It’s a festival tradition of Nagano Nishi in which everyone in the school is given a tiny bell. During the closing ceremony of the festival at night, kyudohan (archery club) shoots flaming arrows into a wooden-structure-thing and starts a bonfire. After that, you are given time to exchange the bell with the person you like. You kind of become an official ‘couple’ if it’s exchanged, or you can just give it to a person if you like them a bit.

Okay anyways, in the morning I was really bored and actually kinda pissed off. I suddenly felt really left out because all of my classmates were doing their own thing and I just didn’t have anyone to go with. No one did anything in particular, it was like every other morning. We all say good morning to eachother and are all very cheerful. I had some good conversations about suzukoukan and found out who wanted to do it and who didn’t. There was a boys in seifuku dance in the morning that made me really happy LOL. But otherwise, I was bored, and a bit lonely.

Then suddenly Candice showed up and told me she’d been looking for me, and I wasn’t mad anymore. We bought yakitori, juice, ice cream, and sat down and talked. Since this was her last day in Japan we ate a lot since it would be her last time in a long while (because she’s coming back to Japan someday!! OK?? T~T!). I love being with her, she’s so sweet. We did a lot of shit but I don’t even really remember anything in particular.

Afterwards we hung out with her friend Sayaka, who is so nice, confident, and friendly. She asked me if I wanted to give my bell to anyone and I was like ‘uhhhhhh I kinda do… I mean I want the experience you know?’ then she tried to force it out of me who I wanted to give it to and I just said someone in my class — and she knew just from that LOL. ‘IS IT _____?! I THOUGHT HE WAS COOL TOO!!‘ (so he’s famous, huh…. as expected.. XD)

I told her it was too embarrassing anyway and I didn’t really like him, I just thought he was hot. She kept encouraging me to do it anyway, although I kept telling her I’m pretty sure I’d just freak out and not do it because I just don’t have the personality to do this kind of thing. Sayaka had already given it to the guy she liked the day before because she couldn’t help herself LOL (THAT’S HOW CONFIDENT AND PEPPY SHE IS, IT’S SCARY). Anyways, the conclusion was that I better do it because it’s something you can only experience here and that a guy will accept it no matter what and be really flattered. She managed to convince me that it would be fun lmao (although seriously, if you know me… I hate this kind of thing)

Anyways, so once it was suzukoukan time, I had regained my fear and was like no nono no noononono I can’t I can’t. So she literally dragged me around while Candice was like WHERE IS HE?? and there was this crazy 5 minutes where I felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest and I couldn’t think straight and I hated them for doing this to me LOL. I honestly saw him 3 minutes before either of them did but didn’t say anything haha.

I haven’t told anyone how I truly felt about them in 6 years. I haven’t been very straightforward with my emotions ever in my life, really. I have always just liked people and let it go because I was a pansy and I couldn’t handle putting myself out there to that extreme. I’ve always been really selfish in this way… just because I couldn’t handle the truth, I’ve never been honest either. I think Lia or Jenna, you guys understand how long I can go without even being the slightest bit honest about how I feel about a person. Years and years. I can hide the way I feel to the point people think I don’t even care about them, just so I don’t have to worry about whether or not they give a damn about me. I’ve perfected my completely apathetic facade. I am 100% selfishly secretive with my emotions and have been that way since I had the ability to put myself out there.

Anyways, that’s why it’s such a big deal to me that I actually walked up to this guy I have a crush on and told him to take it (he picked it up with his strong arms…LOL sorry I couldn’t help myself). It’s really fucking cheezy and stupid when I type it out like this, sorry. Try to understand that I have minor panic attacks whenever I think that any guy even suspects that I like them. Really I think only Jenna and Lia really get how fucking crazy this is of me, someone who is deathly afraid of anyone reading her thoughts, someone who can’t even hint that she enjoys someone’s presence let alone this kind of thing. It lasted about 1 minute, in which Sayaka got his attention and I was still like NO NO NO!! (LOL) but then he turned around so I kind of had to. I just awkwardly stuck my hand out, and I really can’t remember clearly what happened because SERIOUSLY I NEVER, EVER EVER WOULD EVER DO THIS EVER and my brain was like ‘what the fuck are you doing’. He looked really shocked and actually said ‘HONTOU?! (REALLY?!)’ [I can tell why he was shocked, I've barely showed any interest in him at all. Once again, due to my fucked up defense system] he started reaching for his bell and I stopped him and told him ‘ah ageru dake… (I’m just giving it)’ because I really didn’t want him to force himself, he hardly knows me. Then Sayaka was like PICTURE PICTURE!! LOL now THAAAAT was awkward, did I mention he was with his friend? Oh well. I’m not showing the picture because it’s fucking embarassing and I look really gross. Did i mention I was sweaty and disheveled when I admitted to having emotions towards this person? Who am I and what have I become?

Anyways, we both said thanks to eachother and that was that.

It’s stupid but I was happier than I could even really feel.

Then suzukoukan time ended, it got dark, and the fireworks started (I KNOW, this sounds like a horrible straight-to-VHS movie XD). At the same time, it started raining and I love rain. I KNOW, WHAT? LOL. Candice and her friend started crying because it was her last day. There was a gathering of Candice’s friends saying bye after the fireworks and rain. I’ve only known Candice for 2 weeks and I cried. I really don’t think I cry very much ever, I’m really not the type; I only cry when I’m stressed about finals and when I get hit in the face. XD That’s how nice she is. And that’s how much I wasn’t like myself that day. I put out my emotions more than I ever have, really…

After that, we went purikura again, and I had to say bye to Candice once and for all. I’m really going to miss her, but it’s okay because we’re going skydiving someday . Then I went with Minami’s friends to eat miso ramen at about 11:00 in one of those stereotypical bar-like Japanese ramen restaurants. I got home really late, needless to say. I didn’t shower or anything and just passed out.

Today was clean-up day but I slept in and didn’t go (I feel kind of bad. I’m also afraid crush-boy is going to think I was just too embarrassed to show up LOL).

I don’t think I did a very good job of describing this weekend, but I hope it kind of made sense.

So now I just ate ice cream, and I took a picture of the box because I eat this stuff all the time here xD