Please god, give me more time.

I went karaoke and ramen today with people in my class that I really love, and the whole bus ride home all I could do was think of ways I could make this last longer. How I could look up my American high school counselor’s phone number and explain my situation to him. I could plead to my school board. I could somehow make it work. I could manage to make up a semester of school. I just need a few more months. I was basically sitting there with a horrible gripping pain in my stomach and chest feeling desperate and sick for an hour. It’s been like that the past few days and it’s not going to stop…

Yes I love my family and friends in America, but I know I will see you again and things won’t change. What I have here will change. Not only that, but it’s gotten to the point that I really feel my Japanese improving and I can translate for people conversationally (people in my class are hosting Americans right now). Because I started off well off Japanese-wise, If I stayed here for a semester, I’d be at a speaking level I would be satisfied with. To leave right now is so wasteful. Simple things like standing around the station talking with my classmates every day is something I will really miss.

Yeah Ethan I said it that way because that’s how I really feel. I haven’t been consecutively happy for this long since I was a kid, and that’s just because I was ignorant. I feel like drowning in the bathtub every night because this really really hurts like fuck lol.
Somehow, somehow, I want to make this last longer…

sorry this is so whiny and you probably think I’m a bitch for not sounding like I care about everyone back home, but you have to understand that I hate everything about my life in America besides my friends and family. If you guys weren’t there I would never, ever, ever even get near an airport. So I do care, in my own subtle unsatisfactory way.

I’ve really started to love Momoka, too… she’s so fun to be around and I just love her, we’re so compatible. There are actually a lot of classmates I’m really attached to. And I’ve just started getting to know this really nice guy in my class, Su-san (Suuyama Kazuya), who I want to get to know more because his English is pretty good and I really want to teach him more (and in turn learn more Japanese). I really love the double-teach thing, but I can mostly only do it with Momo and Su-san because they’re pro. He’s so nice, he even saved me at karaoke because no one wanted to sing Shuuchishin with me (too shy) and we both suck at singing but I was happy he sang despite his own shyness.　ドンマイドンマイドンマイドンマイ、泣かないで~

But yes I do take into account bad things here. And whenever things make me upset here, I try to make it into a reason I should feel good about leaving, but I just can’t do it. I manage to just mold that sadness/anger into my leaving depression. My stomach really hurts.