It’s time…
…to stop being self-indulgent and writing about gay shit like art dilemmas and my trademark apologetic-angst™ — things no one understands or could give be bothered to a fuck about.
Although a blog is kind of the place to be self-indulgent, I really should talk about things that are actually physically happening. Ten years from now I’ll be reading my posts and will probably get pissed that it’s all feelings (silly intangible internal turmoil nonsense) and no action. I’m going to make this blog much more readable now!!
SO. First item of business.
1. SO FUCKING ANTICLIMACTIC
The way school ended was so shitty. I wanted to feel relieved and liberated. All I experienced was a dull, apathetic let-down. It was like I just had the shittiest time ever, and instead of a fireworks show at the end, it was just like a fizzing out. Shit was so not cash. Lia or Jenna accurately compared it to “coming home from a war – how do you feel returning to a normal life after that?”
It’s weird, but I blame my mastery of slacking. Because I could get away with very little effort or dedication to studying, I wasn’t emotionally attached enough to school. So TECHNICALLY, school ended for me months ago when I stopped feeling legitimately stressed and emotionally involved with any of my classes.
Well shieeeeeeeet.
2. France
I’m staying in St. Brieuc for 7 weeks as a part of an immersion program; English is completely prohibited, and internet use/family contact is limited to one hour a week. So I might or might not post as much as I did in Japan, it depends on how I decide I’m going to use that hour. I’m so happy there’s a program that enforces a no-English rule- you probably remember me constantly bitching about how speaking English was impeding my learning when I was posting in Japan.
BUT the one sad thing is that, in following this rule, I’m not allowed to listen to English music–so all that bad rap on my iPod is off-limits. T-T
Even though my ability to formulate French sentences is ONE MILLION TIMES better (seriously) than my Japanese capabilities, I fear speaking French more.
Despite 5 years of French study, I have very little confidence in my pronunciation/intonation because 90% of my French study has been writing+grammar+vocabulary. So while I know how to say whatever I desire in whatever verb tense I need, I feel self-conscious about my thick American accent. I feel like it masks/overpowers anything about my French that was impressive.
The reason I was so confident in my Japanese (despite very little formal study) was because of the hundreds of hours of Japanese TV dramas I watch. I know exactly how words are said, with completely confidence in my intonation. So while I couldn’t express complicated things in Japanese, I felt very comfortable with the simple things I did say.
BESIDES that, I am the same way I was before I went to Japan – in disbelief. I didn’t really feel like I was even going to Japan until I was there. I know I’m going to France, but I can’t really feel it.
Well…I am very excited to see some cute boys in Paris, haha! <3 Maybe I’ll run into Sacha Hilton? And this will be my theme song while I’m there, LOL.
AND as for culture shock and all of that bullshit, it never happens for me. Since Japan I’ve concluded that I hate my life in America (and all of its mediocrity) too much to ever be “homesick”. If you followed my blogs last summer, you’ll know that I felt sick thinking of having to go back home.
Like last summer’s pre-Japan post, I’m going to do a little throwback parody and list things I’m excited for:
1. Getting to know all the other stagiaires!! Classes, excursions, after-school with them :3
2. Meeting my host families =D~ Eating dinner with them, watching French TV, excursions~
3. FOOD SHOPPING FOOD SHOPPING repeat repeat repeat. Wandering the streets after school =D
4. PARIS. (The last 2 days of the 7 weeks are spent in Paris) PARISSSSSS. Paris and all of it’s eye candy 
5. Coming home and not being able to speak English anymore. It’ll be hardcore. And Max’ll record it for all to see.
I have so many errands to do before I leave! Gahhh! Things I need to buy, room I need to clean, e-mails I need to send…!
I think it’s a nice way to get excited, though. =D
3. AP Studio Art
I have three summer projects (THE FIRST TIME I DON’T HAVE TO READ A BOOK FOR AP SUMMER WORK. HELLS FUCKING YEAHHHHHHHH BITCHESSS!) And I think I’m going to make a conscious effort to kill my stupid art-sharing complex (see previous post), so you might see some things posted here. Get pumped?
When the time comes, don’t fear giving me feedback just because I fear receiving it.
I feel weird.
Do you ever have a period of time where you just feel like you just feel weird about your entire life? Just strange, to the pit of your stomach. It’s both very real, and very fake, at the same time; surreal.
Anyways…
Revelation: No matter who I talk to about my successes, problems, and dilemmas with art, I never walk out of the conversation feeling good.
Anything the person says will hurt me. If I show someone a piece (and I rarely ever do) and they say anything positive, I always feel like a naive, narcissistic egomaniac. I’ve never been taught how to be comfortably proud. I have trouble controlling my emotions and reaction when I’m being flattered. Here’s how it goes down: immediately after the compliment, my pride inflates and my ego runs out of control. That short burst of conceited vanity is followed by a storm of negative emotions. I deride myself for being so easily flattered, for being so naively full of myself. I may tell myself that the person doesn’t have any idea what they’re talking about or that they’re a liar. But mostly, I regret bringing myself into the situation; I just wanted to be complimented, didn’t I? — how fucking arrogant.
I just noticed that this isn’t even just an art thing, it happens every time I receive a compliment – especially from people I most want the compliment from. I never look my mother in the eye when she praises me. It’s as if I’m ashamed – ashamed that she could ever think I was legitimately good at anything. I always cut her off short, and I barely ever say thank you. The whole experience is strangely painful.
Then there’s the other situation that arises: people underestimating or looking down on me. I get really angry. This happens mostly with my parents, who have always been mostly apathetic towards my only real “hobby” (other “hobbies” include: J-dramas, walking, and eating). I feel like my dad sees the whole thing as a joke. Then again, since I have that whole compliment-complex, maybe it’s for the best.
BUT take note that I very rarely deflect compliments, because I know that always follows with more compliments.
My relationship with drawing is complicated. People I assume I like it; and while I do, I don’t. People just assume that I’d LOVE to draw them something because “I’m good at it”. That’s really not how it works; it’s not a normal hobby for me. I often have trouble enjoying it; the amount of inspiration that it requires for me to actually have artistic initiative is ephemeral, fleeting, volatile. The conditions required for me to willingly draw are outrageously elaborate. And with my wonderfully unstable self, the precise state of mind necessary is an extremely rare thing. What I’m basically saying is: I am extremely fickle with drawing. I’m a slacker, and this kind of thing can’t be forced. It’s NOT like I’M OPEN TO FREE COMMISSION. It’s not commonly known that drawing something (that I was ordered to) is draining as hell — it’s a fucking chore. And it’ll turn out horrible; If I don’t REALLY REALLY want to draw it, it’ll look awful. Trust me.
I wish I wasn’t having such an unmotivated last week of school. Jesus, I don’t feel like doing shit. I need to suffer though– I’m kind of twisted in the way that I think that going to France will be all the more awesome if I was tortured extensively beforehand XD. Except, I’m too unmotivated to suffer right now.
I feel so unattractive this month. I feel more uncomfortable with my face than ever before. Combined with tiredness and lack of time to paint myself up, it sucks.
