Stressin’

I feel so cluttered right now. I feel like a mess. I have a really strong urge to organize my life and clean out the unnecessary.  Too many things, thoughts, unorganized feelings, suppressed feelings, and unattended-to errands. I want to feel like I can fucking breathe comfortably. I want to clean,  then I want to do some pilates in my clean room.

Being in Toronto has been mildly stressful for me (for many reasons, none of which I will list, sorry haha). I just realized last night that I was really stressed out — before that I was convinced that I had been enjoying myself for the past 4 days (sometimes it takes a really long time for reality to catch up with my preconceived notions). But it’s all good – now that I recognize that certain things are really getting to me, I can work on improving the situation. I’m going to focus on spending time with my family until I can go home (I’m really itching to go home and clean my room and de-stress and feel feelings) and just fuck the rest.

I miss France. I dream about being there. I don’t remember what I do in those dreams, but I know that I have them.

I feel weird.

Do you ever have a period of time where you just feel like you just feel weird about your entire life? Just strange, to the pit of your stomach. It’s both very real, and very fake, at the same time; surreal.

Anyways…

Revelation: No matter who I talk to about my successes, problems, and dilemmas with art, I never walk out of the conversation feeling good.

Anything the person says will hurt me. If I show someone a piece (and I rarely ever do) and they say anything positive, I always feel like a naive, narcissistic egomaniac. I’ve never been taught how to be comfortably proud. I have trouble controlling my emotions and reaction when I’m being flattered. Here’s how it goes down: immediately after the compliment, my pride inflates and my ego runs out of control. That short burst of conceited vanity is followed by a storm of negative emotions. I deride myself for being so easily flattered, for being so naively full of myself. I may tell myself that the person doesn’t have any idea what they’re talking about or that they’re a liar. But mostly, I regret bringing myself into the situation; I just wanted to be complimented, didn’t I? — how fucking arrogant.

I just noticed that this isn’t even just an art thing, it happens every time I receive a compliment – especially from people I most want the compliment from. I never look my mother in the eye when she praises me. It’s as if I’m ashamed – ashamed that she could ever think I was legitimately good at anything. I always cut her off short, and I barely ever say thank you. The whole experience is strangely painful.

Then there’s the other situation that arises: people underestimating or looking down on me. I get really angry. This happens mostly with my parents, who have always been mostly apathetic towards my only real “hobby” (other “hobbies” include: J-dramas, walking, and eating). I feel like my dad sees the whole thing as a joke. Then again, since I have that whole compliment-complex, maybe it’s for the best.

BUT take note that I very rarely deflect compliments, because I know that always follows with more compliments.

My relationship with drawing is complicated. People I assume I like it; and while I do, I don’t. People just assume that I’d LOVE to draw them something because “I’m good at it”. That’s really not how it works; it’s not a normal hobby for me. I often have trouble enjoying it; the amount of inspiration that it requires for me to actually have artistic initiative is ephemeral, fleeting, volatile. The conditions required for me to willingly draw are outrageously elaborate. And with my wonderfully unstable self, the precise state of mind necessary is an extremely rare thing. What I’m basically saying is: I am extremely fickle with drawing. I’m a slacker, and this kind of thing can’t be forced. It’s NOT like I’M OPEN TO FREE COMMISSION. It’s not commonly known that drawing something (that I was ordered to) is draining as hell — it’s a fucking chore. And it’ll turn out horrible; If I don’t REALLY REALLY want to draw it, it’ll look awful. Trust me.

I wish I wasn’t having such an unmotivated last week of school. Jesus, I don’t feel like doing shit. I need to suffer though– I’m kind of twisted in the way that I think that going to France will be all the more awesome if I was tortured extensively beforehand XD. Except, I’m too unmotivated to suffer right now.

I feel so unattractive this month. I feel more uncomfortable with my face than ever before. Combined with tiredness and lack of time to paint myself up, it sucks.

For the first time since this school year began

Everything feels so right. I’m so perfect, so just perfectly fine with where I am. I’m not stressed out by anything at all. I’m happy not just for short moments, but for entire days. This long duration of unwavering contentedness is bewildering, but refreshing. I wonder if this is how normal people are all the time, lol.

Fuck, I love sunlight. It was like I spent 3 weeks under the sun, and my internal switch just clicks from “FUCK YOU ALL, ME, YOU, EVERYONE SHOULD JUST DIE” to “There is nothing I would change about anything.” There are other factors as well, of course. My winter rut started particularly early this year, and was ridiculously long. It wasn’t the sharp, relatively short, self-deprecating, severe pain of past winters. It was a dull, throbbing, lifeless, enthusiasm-sapping drone of a rut. I think this experience has grown to have a different effect on me. My brand of unhappiness changes every year.

Whenever I become content again, though, I, deep down, fear the day it all ends. It’s a cycle, after all. :/

I need to move. This is seriously debilitating the progress of my life, if I felt how I felt now all year, I would have gotten so much more shit done. But I was too busy feeling like shit and disconnecting with reality.

Haha

Your result for The Personality Defect Test …

Spiteful Loner

You are 57% Rational, 29% Extroverted, 57% Brutal, and 29% Arrogant.

“You are the Spiteful Loner, the personality type that is most likely to go on a shooting rampage. In high school, you were probably that kid who wore all black and who sat alone in a corner of the lunch room, drawing pictures of dead babies. You are a rational person and tend to hold emotions in very low-esteem; not only that, but you are also rather introverted, meaning you probably bury any emotions you feel deep inside yourself, like all of the bodies in your backyard. Combine these traits with your dislike of others and your brutality, and it seems that you would be quite likely to shoot innocent people in a rampage. Most likely, you also have low self-esteem. Hell, I get low self-esteem just looking at you. This is only yet one more incentive to go on a shooting rampage, because you wouldn’t care if you died as a result. Granted, you probably haven’t gone on a shooting rampage and probably never will, but all the motivations are there. All you need is for someone to push you over the edge, calling you names and belittling you. Like me. But don’t shoot me. I have a 101 mile-long knife, you know. In conclusion, your personality is defective because you are too introverted, brutal, insecure, and rather unemotional. No wonder no one hangs around you, you morbid, cold-hearted freak! “

That actually made me laugh.

Don’t Think it Bothers Me At All

My Yizzouth

I love Breaking Bad so much I’m almost okay with other people liking it (almost).

…I’m not even going to say words. Let’s just say I love druggies. Also, I love how Aaron Paul only gets accepted for roles where he’s some kind of low-life degenerate scum (in society’s eyes, that is. I accept him no matter what <3.)
Best character. Forever and always. I wouldn’t care if the story went to shit (because it’s inevitable, every show I’ve ever loved has gone to shit. Most recently, Lost. Fuck Lost for crushing my hope that for once a show could die without doing the killing itself), I’d keep watching it just for his hilarious reactions to every dangerous situation he’s placed in.

And I just realized I watch enough TV to run a decent TV/movie/review blog. But who reads those? No one. I don’t even want to spend my time-wasting time on reading one, let alone running one. I’ll just continue posting short bursts of maniacal fangirl rage during my traveling off-season.

I should have formally stated that I got accepted to study abroad in France like a month ago. I don’t know what to say about it yet, so I just never thought to post about it. I leave in June, so get pumped for less random shit and more good times on my blog (photos and silly cultural anecdotes! yay!). I’m hoping France will officially filter out this whole bizarre time in my life. France, senior year, move to away for college and start anew. Yes, that’s exactly how I see it. BUTTERFLIES AND RAINBOWS.

Sorry if I seem withdrawn lately. Or drifty, or weird. It’ll all be normal again soon, please wait fo’ it. =D It’s been a really weird year for me. Winter was long. Honestly, it seems like I spent the majority of the time attempting to get my shit together — not grade-wise, academically I’m pretty solid. I’ve just been really out of it. Uninvolved. Apathetic. If I was married, my wife would be bitching that “we never talk anymore”. And I’d be like “I want a divorce”. I’m so good at analogies. To explain myself for when I reflect on this whole weird lazy-dead period, it went like this: I had that post-Japan blues and then it faded into junioritis, which combined with winter for a deadly combination. Then I became a robot to cope with the burden of going through the motions.
Yeah, I want to speed through time. And yet I don’t. Every day I wake up wondering where my youth is and if it’s possible to find it and take it back. My current resolution to my early aging and bitterness is to take more risks, but it’s likely that that’ll just get me killed. I guess I should just open up to people more. I’ve maintained the behavior I developed from my robot-period– I’m really unapproachable and hard to connect with most of the time. I need to stop finding social interaction such a chore, because it’s making me feel like such a bystander in my own age demographic.

Well, I sincerely thank y’all for your patience. Seriously. T-T

Lethargy

Remember my New Year’s resolution to be more passionate about living? It’s not really working out. I can’t simply force myself to be passionate, I have to have something to be passionate about. So on top of being depressed that I’m living like a slug, I have no real justification for living (don’t worry, I’ll continue to waste earth’s resources).

I know I’m contradicting my last two posts about how getting good grades was important to me. To do well in school is more of a survival thing like eating/sleeping, I guess. Beyond feeling awesome about getting away with being such a huge fucking slacker, I don’t feel like I’m really making any progress here.

This was going to be more long-winded, but who gives a shit? This is essentially my 9001th rant about how scholastic success is a duty I accept because it gives me security in my life, and I accept this because I lack confidence in my future, despite the fact that I feel no sense of [impending] fulfillment down this road. I have no idea what I want, but I know I want to have an idea of what I want.

I’m just waiting, really. Fuck winter. We can pretend winter doesn’t even happen. Things make more sense in the summer.

“I never knew what I wanted to do, but I always knew what kind of woman I wanted to be” That’s the essence of how I feel right now.

My next trip to Japan is always a reason to live, anyway. Fuck my rants of apathy and indecision,

good grades = scholarship = study abroad. THE END LIZ, STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW LAME EVERYTHING FEELS

Wobbly Wednesday

Best title ever. Anyways, I’ve had an above mediocre week.

Besides managing to break my mom’s nice ceramic dinnerware twice in a single week, it’s been bearable. I mean, I had one of those horrible “don’t-give-a-fuck” nights yesterday (I was on Hulu for 3 hours. Yeaaaah.) which means I have 2 days of homework to do after this blog. And yeah, labor day night was just depressing… but REALLY. It hasn’t been that bad, despite it all.

1. I got a 9 on my AP Lit essay over The Bluest Eye; I got an 8 on the other one over A Raisin in the Sun, but I honestly BS’ed the shit out of that one (I deserved a 6 at best).I normally wouldn’t post about my Lit grades unless they were bad, but I can’t shake how fucking awesome it feels to be able to start those essays at midnight (and totally pull that A Raisin in the Sun one out my ass. I was brain-dead after the The Bluest Eye essay…BS was the only option.), finish them on time, and get a 99% and a 97%. Fuck yeah, motherfucker. Eat that 200 point assignment. …This probably makes me a bad student in many ways, but I can’t help but be happy that my “mind-flow” last-minute work is actually good XD.
2. I got an 100% on a MATH test. WHAT THE FUCK!!! LOLWUT
3. I also got an A+ on the first AP World test; it was curved, but it was still ballin as fuck because I watched Family Guy for 2 hours instead of studying the night before.

Wow. That managed to be about nothing but grades.

But that’s pretty much all I’ve got, guys.

I mean seriously, my life is so fucking uninteresting. I’m just taking what I’ve got and running with it (in this case, grades. THEY ARE ALL I HAVE AT THIS POINT.)

I still don’t even know about college. I keep thinking about how short my life is and how I don’t want to spend it doing what other people want (this is a recurring theme in my blog, yeah?). I only have a semblance of an idea of what I want right now. That’s what’s so exciting about being young, I guess.

Some 30 year old once told me how she really misses high school just because there was so much speculation about the future. After you’ve settled and your life is going to be what it is, it’s not exciting anymore. From my 16-year-old viewpoint, it’s much less exciting than she claims. All I feel is fear. Fear of failure. I feel like I’m clinging to the edge of a crumbling cliff nearly every single day. And on another scenic plateau of my mind, I feel like I’m being pushed out into a vast expanse of choices, choices, choices. So many doors and only one of them is the right one. Where to go, what to do. Open the wrong door and I’m far worse off than just dead.

However, I feel that I’m getting over blaming my parents from making me crazy with trying to make them love me and never be disappointed in what I do (I have huge disappointment issues =/). I’m done thinking crazy dreams of dropping out and buying meth from a guy who’ll tell me “man, I’m hookin yous up so fat”. Or going to art school to make it seem like I’m trying to go somewhere in life (in reality I just spend my days chillinnnn). Or settling on taking a full-ride from some lame school where I become a stoner. Or dropping out and being a stripper or pole dancer in Vegas!! (That was a serious proposition at one point) During finals week (bad times), I often think of being a prostitute or surrogate mother. Or just a plain old gold digger (I’m a shame to my sex). Or sliding by and getting straight C’s in school; settling on Ivy Tech or IUPUI or Ball State. Or just killing myself. (True story, guys. Those were my ideas for ways out of all this shit.) And yup, going to those schools is up there with suicide. LOL

I mean, especially after typing all of those ideas out… it’s really making it clear to me that I was ridiculous to even think of those paths of life. I’m glad I’ve put myself through all this shit instead of partying my ass off. I still like the meth one, though. I wanna be friends with a guy who talks like that.

If I just keep thinking about that pretty school in that pretty place away from Indiana…
It’s just 2 years until I can do what I want…
I’ve done it the past 2 years, I can do it again…
I feel like it’s going to all make sense.

There’s still apprehension, of course. It’s the fact that I really don’t need that much money.
You constantly feel you have so much to lose. Simple living is good.
But on other days… all I can think about is being filthy rich! Haha =)

Anyways, I really have shit to do.

Life is boring yet busy and I don’t have time to talk to my friends, so I’m really feeling like posting a lot again.
I honestly feel that blogging is what has kept me moderately sane the past 5~6 years.