My blog has become as bitter and dead as I am inside.

I’ve always found Oguri Shun to be repulsive. His strange, plastered, mask-like and youthless features have always pissed me off. And yet… and yet…

I’M SO CONFUSED. IS IT THE HAIRCUT? IS IT ME?

I am so deeply in love with modern gyaru right now. I cannot wait to go back to Japan and express these feelings of superficiality and materialism. Need to lose weight, though.

I always love looking at “process” photos for anything ever (tutorials with pictures = hells yeah). Also, I have some sort of sick masochistic pleasure in rushing art projects two days before they’re due. So take a look at my attempt at showing a “process”, the process of lazy painting and the badly-lit photos I took along the way. Did I mention I have another project to do after I’m done with this post? I love pain.

Did you notice the lack of teeth definition and the cop-out shirt? Because I’m hoping Fritz won’t XD.

As I become more comfortable with art (having not seriously/consistently been into art since middle school and avoiding art classes until this year), I become more comfortable sharing it with people. AP Art’s a bitch lol, but I’m happy with the personal change I’m getting from it (stop being a shy mofo).

Oh, and the reason that I’m so behind is I’ve been slaving over a watercolor painting of a goddamn old stone-walled building. Watercolor is just stupid, I’ve really come to despise it. You can never go back on that shit once you put it down. Either it’s down and it’s dry or it’s down and it’s fucking EVERYWHERE — AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!. And plus, OLD STONEY WALL?! What the fuck? A BUILDING? Intense detail + not a portrait + watercolor + NOT PORTRAITURE = art suicide. It’s taken up all my time and it’s barely worth it. FUCK WATERCOLOR. FUCK STILL LIFE. DAMN ALL THINGS THAT ARE IMMOBILE AND WET.

Oh lmao and the painting’s of Maki, one of my classmates. She’s actually much prettier but we can call it “creative interpretation” XD. Done in oils. (fuck watercolor)

School is not making me any more intelligent this year. I can feel myself getting dumber by the week as I continue to avoid any hard thinking or work. I shut myself up in my room and hibernate, waiting for it all to be over. I want to be done without doing anything, so here I am just wasting away as I wait for time to go by. I’d rather be traveling, experiencing, and truly learning. My time would be much better utilized if I was in the Peace Corps or studying abroad. But I need to graduate and not let this all go to waste. So here I rot. The only positive thing I can think of my situation is that it will make everything I do after this godforsaken year feel more wonderful. I guess I’m saying that all this depression and sloth will make a wonderful backdrop for the rest of my life once I can move the fuck on.

I’m so goddamn useless right now. I constantly have a headache. Goddammit.

I’m ashamed?

I’m a bit worried.

Woops, I guess. We’re all young once.

-

I still need to fucking focus. I feel like it’s winter. I’m having sleep issues. I dwell on things too much.

Somehow, I’m simultaneously very busy and very unoccupied. A lot is going on, but everything is capable of being put off. So I often find myself just watching movies, perusing magazines— and I don’t even really enjoy any of it. I’m trying too hard to escape; genuine enjoyment is impossible with all of this unattended-to clutter lingering in the back of my mind.

It’s that feeling you get when you wobble out of a theater into the sunlight after a long engrossing film. I shifted scenes too fast- I need time to adjust. I’ve been feeling dazed and out of it for weeks. I find myself just sitting around and thinking about France, Japan, and the future. Basically about how I’d rather be somewhere else.

I’ve had a lot of trouble sleeping. I’m really tired during school yet I’m still too restless with worry to sleep at night. It’s getting better, though, since I now realize that I’m having adjustment problems… I think I’m going to watch LOL (laughing out loud) to lull me to sleep for a while…

Between daydreaming and movie-watching and procrastinating, the to-do list has added up and become intimidating. I’m going to stop being a useless whiny dumbass ASAP, because my goal is to have at least four A+’s this semester. So yes. Bullshit pathetic Liz is on her way out, don’t worry.

Before the month ends (darker = more urgent):

-College apps
-SAT II Subject Tests (sign up)
-Counselor Recommendation
-Senior photos (sign up)
-Japanese club
-Government hours paper
-AP Studio breadth works
-NHS service projects ||| , tutoring ||||
-Get those registration volunteering hours verified
-Chapter 1 ap gov. test– read?
-Expressive portrait- mockup, photos
-Print France pictures
-Send Tamura-ke mail

How to optimize my school-time:

Comp Apps: Calculus homework, AP gov. paper
Classical Lit: Study French vocab
Study hall: AP studio work, read for AP gov.
Lunch: Guidance counselor stuff

Buy:

-Haircut
-Socks
-Things I just feel will make me happy: earmuffs, full set of Rembrandt chalk pastels, colorful necklace, new shoes

Besides the beginning-of-the-year senior work I have to do, I actually have a very easy semester class-wise —-You cannot fucking believe next semester. I’ll have AP Studio, AP Econ, AP Psych, ACP Comp, AP French, Study Hall, and Calculus. So yeah, my last few months of high school are going to be CRAZY. Super crazy. Hopefully I’ll just be thinking “IT’S THE FINAL STRETCH!!” and not “I’m fucking done, fuck this shit…”

Listing it all out makes me feel better. Tomorrow is when I start getting all of this done. This is me making a conscious effort to switch from dream-mode to reality-mode. Watch out, world.

3 works of art in 3 days? Technically impossible, but that’s never stopped me before.

It’s finally just hitting me. Every day I ease more and more into my “normal life” and I…I just fucking hate it so much. I feel nothing but dread as school approaches. It’s not school that is so terrible, it’s the fact that my summer is over that just kills me. Really, I have a great and enviable life here… but in comparison to how much better it has been, how much happier I have felt… it blows.

I miss France so much that I physically ache just thinking about it.

Btw, if you’re not hearing from me — I’m SCREWED summer homework wise. 4 days to do 3 works of art for AP Studio? —SCREWED.

-Sitting in my room in peace for what seems like the first time in forever.
-Everything is a giant mess. My room is cluttered with relics of my summer
-(empty suitcases, dirty clothes, post cards, and ticket stubs)
-I keep thinking about how far away the past seems
-I keep thinking about how fast time moves and how I’m powerless to control it
-Memories fade, people drift apart, and, all too simply, the world moves on
-I feel so small and alone
-I’m lonely

I feel so cluttered right now. I feel like a mess. I have a really strong urge to organize my life and clean out the unnecessary.  Too many things, thoughts, unorganized feelings, suppressed feelings, and unattended-to errands. I want to feel like I can fucking breathe comfortably. I want to clean,  then I want to do some pilates in my clean room.

Being in Toronto has been mildly stressful for me (for many reasons, none of which I will list, sorry haha). I just realized last night that I was really stressed out — before that I was convinced that I had been enjoying myself for the past 4 days (sometimes it takes a really long time for reality to catch up with my preconceived notions). But it’s all good – now that I recognize that certain things are really getting to me, I can work on improving the situation. I’m going to focus on spending time with my family until I can go home (I’m really itching to go home and clean my room and de-stress and feel feelings) and just fuck the rest.

I miss France. I dream about being there. I don’t remember what I do in those dreams, but I know that I have them.